Dialectical View of Dealing with Expectations

A sense of being a failure, one who falls short of expectations, can be seen in so many populations, not just individuals with borderline personality disorder.  There are several perspectives about expectations.  The expectations we hear can come from the words we speak to ourselves, the direct words we hear from others, and the wordless comments that we perceive from others.  

Trying to live up to expectations can take the fun out of life.  For the client, her expectations for herself could be too grandiose to accomplish.  The expectations we hear from others may create dissonance, in the pursuit of trying to meet the expectations of others and trying to be yourself.  The expectations she perceives from others may be the result of mind-reading.  

So what do we do with these expectations?  We have many options, like weighing the facts, the What Skills of Mindfulness (observe and describe), chain analysis, and finding the kernel of truth.  

Let's start with Observe and Describe.  Observe, Describe, and Participate are the three What Skills of Mindfulness.  Observing is just noticing without attaching words, judgments, or meaning.  Describing is adding words to the observations, while still maintaining a one-minded, effective, nonjudgmental stance.  We'll talk about Participate in a later post, but generally Participate means whole-heartedly diving into an activity; I have heard others say that Participate is a similar concept to Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's Flow. 

Let's go to weighing the facts.  In this context, it's a little on the Reasonable Mind side of Wise Mind; focusing on the facts can draw us out of Emotion Mind.  Questions could include: Who was talking?  What was said?  We're looking for the actual words, not interpretations.  What is the context of the discussion?  When did the discussion start?  We're looking for this most recent, specific discussion; try not to dig in the pain of the past.

Chain analysis is a key process in DBT, as the roots of DBT are in behavioral analysis and cognitive behavioral therapy.  Essentially, chain analyses link the triggering event to the emotions, perceptions, actions, and consequences.  More will be coming about chain analyses.  

Last, finding the kernel of truth involves dialectical thinking.  There are many ways to view an event.  In looking at the stated expectations from another person, try to see her perspective.  What does she see?  What is she saying?  Take these questions into consideration, especially when trying to find the dialectic.  Find what your Wise Mind knows to be true.  Now integrate these concepts.